(Do Not) Watch: DJ Khaled “I’m the One”

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I can’t prove this, but I assume that DJ Khaled has a giant sombrero. Inside of the large Mexican hat are the names of every rapper who has ever lived in the known universe written on tiny scraps of paper. Whenever Khaled wants to do a song he dunks his hand into the hat and comes out with gold. That’s how we ended up with a song featuring Justin Bieber, Lil Wayne, Quavo and Chance the Rapper.

We’ll start with the big one: what’s Chance doing here? In half of Chance’s songs it sounds like he’s trying to convert the masses to Christianity. In this video, however, he’s hanging out with Quavo and Bieber while a woman in a bikini top that’s two sizes too small rides a white horse. Praise Jesus? Chance can still be a good dude, and a dude who likes to have fun, but the outsized level of DJ Khaled’s fun feels incongruous with Chance’s usual message.

The other features on the song aren’t as random. Bieber and his hair seem like some kind of homage to Eminem and a bygone era of hip-hop, an era from which Lil Wayne hails. Maybe that’s a connection? And Lil Wayne is a Southern rapper of note, as is the youngster Quavo of Migos fame. In the end it all makes complete sense. The hat scenario from the opener is clearly unreasonable.

Wait, wait, wait. I forgot to actually talk about the video. It’s really bad. Like insanely, comically bad. There’s a lawn/pool party, croquet, aforementioned woman on horseback and all sorts of tomfoolery. The only thing missing is John Cleese walking into frame halfway through the video and ending the song by declaring it to be far too silly.

Skip this video.

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